New women clients, married or in a long-term relationship, they will tell me how heavy their burden is with frustration and dread vis a vi sex with their partner. There has been an accumulation of resentments over the years, mistakes made by the both of them. The frustration comes from trying so many times and hoping this time will be the one for great sex and/or orgasm, but the same outcome happens once again-- the lack thereof. They want better sex. Amazing sex, but negativity is often what looms in their minds.
Dread comes in the form of not wanting to have to face that again, so sex becomes less and less frequent. Then it's there to keep the peace and make sure he (or she) is happy at least once a month. There's no joy in sex for these women. They feel as though it's like the old days must have been: wifely servitude and such. The fear of failure has kept prospective clients from becoming clients of mine, or anyone else's, which reduces their chances for escaping their negative present sex life even further.
There are many factors in this mix and different people with different situations. However, my experience in professional sex life coaching has shown consistent results with many of the most common situations clients bring me. Here are three important ones I use in the new sex therapy for women to put into practice. There are more, but this is a great start.
First of all, if it's a husband who has agreed to take part in the sex life coaching process, this is huge. So many men can't banish the voice of male ego screaming in their heads. Many say no to sexual growth and walk away. At worst, they choose infidelity as their answer. I bring this up because my woman clients have said how anger clouds their approach to learning and getting better with the men in their lives born by the resentments I mentioned. I remind them of how huge a deal it is for a man to turn his back on culture-enforced male ego. That he didn't refuse to do coaching, nor did he cheat on you. You may have a few issues, but he's a good man who thinks of more than just himself. It can be easy to take these things for granted sometimes. Becoming aware of this and honoring it is a great first step to healing and leaving behind old resentments. Similar things go for husbands with resentments toward their wives.
Second, there's the dread. The belief that things won't get any better infused with the expectation of failure. These are recurring thoughts that pop in out of nowhere like her own mind is picketing against this new direction she's taking. A big part of the answer lies in acknowledging that your present reality, right now, is different from the patterns of the past. It is a brand new reality.
Sometimes you have to think to yourself and tell your mind to stand down as if it is a being of its own free will. Many times in life, it is, in effect, precisely that. Say to the part of your mind that pickets you that if the old way was still in place, then its protests would be valid. As of this moment, it turns to a wait and see. Wait and watch for change. You have to give it a chance and consciously acknowledge the difference in your new reality from the old one. Once you've done this, keep your focus on this because the mind has a nasty drawback of keeping up the picketing for a while despite your decision. When she's having better sex, the mind will often drop its proverbial picket signs unless there are other issues at hand.
Third, and the most fun of them all, I tell clients to set an intention to enjoy the new things I teach the two of them; the new pleasures your husband/partner is creating and attention he's giving to your body. Lay down and enjoy them the same way you enjoy a massage or a quality chocolate bar or ice cream. Savor his touch the very same way. You can try a trick to make it easier to get into that mode. Have some chocolate or ice cream there at the bedside together while he indulges you with wonderful new things while laying there. Eat that chocolate/ice cream and love his touch. It will be much easier to receive because your mind is well-practiced with enjoying sweet treats. In most cases, you will more quickly learn how to savor and focus on sensual and sexual enjoyment-- the candy of the sense of touch. Another great idea is to have quality dark chocolate before sex. It has chemistry effects on your brain that put you in a cuddly, receptive mood. Let me know in the comments section how it works for you!
These aren't cure-all tips. There are always situations were they don't apply to every woman in every circumstance. That's what the collaboration between me and the client in sex life coaching addresses. It is a customized process, not one-size-fits-all.