How To Communicate To Fix Long-Term Sexual Misunderstandings

I was working with a couple and they told me about an abrasive issue between them. The husband would be turned on by how great his wife looked while she got ready for work, for example, and he would give her a hot comment, but she didn't always take it well. He felt like she was annoyed more often than flattered. His wife agreed and I told her to explain how her mind reacts to those moments.

She said that it came across to her, while in the zone for prepping for work or another non-sexual engagement, as an out of place interaction that made sense to her only on a date night. Her mind's next trigger was feeling burdened because she couldn't give her husband what he wanted, which she assumed meant it caused him to feel brushed off.

He said he never expected a sex throw-down while she was prepping for work and kid care, and meant the come-ons to be expressions of how strongly he was feeling about her in the moment. It was hot flattery before they had to part. She acknowledged this and was happy to see she was mistaken, but also requested more space when getting ready to deal with the world. Hot comments were fine now but not every time he felt like giving one. Attractive women endure more unwanted attention over a lifetime and it can make comments from romantic partners automatically filed under unwanted.

That said, thanks to the conversation, she was now in a good headspace with his compliments (given less often so they would feel more novel) and would give back a sly smile and a wink or blow a kiss before cracking breakfast eggs into the frying pan or finishing makeup. It was a weight off both their shoulders. Different people come into relationships with different life experiences and baggage. Men do, too, so if you find a moment between you that seems to be rough when it comes up, stop the show and point the moment out, then ask in a caring way, what goes through their mind leading to their uncomfortable response. Now, the other party has to agree to not get defensive or brush the question off as irrelevant without an explanation that clears the air. You can't expect monogamy, marriage, or any other long-term romantic partnership to be successful without promising to be as clear as you can be.

This skill set requires people to be able to step outside of any egotism and prioritize a resolution that fixes a kink in the garden hose, so to speak. You don't get mad at the hose, you just fix it and keep watering the flowers. This skill set extends into the bedroom when it's time to give and receive feedback on how good/effective an attempted sexual skill is. You have to throw away the fear of sex being anything but perfect, because trial and error is part of it and no one can read the other's mind. It's very common to get worried about critical feedback, but nothing will improve or rise to the level of "Incredible!" without that feedback. Superior sex and smooth communication are your shared goals.