Frequently asked questions
So this is like business or life coaching, except for sex?
Correct. One way that’s easy to understand what my brand of sex life coaching does is it’s like going to a culinary institute to become a gourmet chef. Another way of thinking of it is companies and individuals outsource to experts in given fields to reach goals, solve problems, and make their clients stronger in a much shorter period of time than is possible on their own. My brand of sex life consulting/coaching also provides clients more in-depth, sex-specific knowledge than what life coaches, relationship coaches, or dating coaches are trained for.
Further, there are many highly personal details and issues that I am comfortable with handling and confident in resolving, but other coaches/counselors are untrained for or lack the necessary sensibilities. I also coach clients on dating and relationship skills, but only the ones that relate directly to their sex life. My clients value my service in many ways, but what they all say is I become a good friend who is very knowledgeable and with whom they can discuss this personal niche more thoroughly than with anyone else.
Are you a psychologist or therapist?
No, I am not. I do not practice psychotherapy nor follow any other psychotherapeutic treatment models. At present, the public refers to everyone in my field as “sex therapists” even though there are several different types of professionals providing different services and functions (i.e. sexologists, sex educators, coaches) that often have little to do with psychology. There are sports psychologists, for example, for golf and other sports-related mental issues. Then there are also golf pros who coach you on your swing– your physical movements that you must have to play a great game. Sex life coaching has info on mental aspects of sex, but is more like the golf pro/coach. Some clients have told me they don’t want to see a psychologist for improvements to their sex life and are happy to have found the professional that’s right for them.
Many sex teaching professionals have taken on the term “sex therapist.” The correct use of the term, in my opinion, refers specifically to psychologists, medical doctors, or psychiatrists who complete a sidebar of additional studies as a specialization. Their strongest suit is healing pathology surrounding sexual abuse issues, irrational psychological barriers to enjoying or having sex, psychological disorders, sex addiction, correcting low testosterone and other hormone issues, and marital therapy. Their training in sexual pleasure-based skills is present to some degree, but not nearly as complete and specialized as mine. One piece of evidence I have for such a claim is for years, many therapists have handed out my mentor’s first book, Sex For One to their clients because Betty has a different strong suit from theirs.
I’ve had several married couples as clients who were happy they saw psychology and medical-based sex therapists, relationship coaches, did marital therapy, or marriage counseling. They told me those fields can solve or improve relationship problems, but can be quite basic in sexual pleasure info sets, conservatively biased, and sometimes overreliant on prescription medications. This does not make psych-based sex therapists and marriage counselors obsolete and not all therapists are conservative. Again, if I see that a client’s sexual issues require the help of a psychotherapist or marital therapist, I tell them so and refer out. In my clients’ experience, my brand of sex life coaching completes the arena of personal life development and issue resolution.
I’ve always thought that if you had a good relationship that good sex follows.
You’re half-right. First of all, the sex had within a happy relationship can be good on a basic level, but not always, which can start to erode your level of sex life satisfaction if not addressed. Second, there can be problems that aren’t discussed in the present, but grow in time and remain unresolved. Finally, if your relationship is an overall happy one, yours is the ideal situation for transforming a “meat and potatoes” sex life within a happy relationship to a “french cuisine” sex life within that happy relationship. That isn’t to say that only the happiest of couples can benefit. I have successfully helped couples who were considering divorce as well.
How will getting better at sex help my relationship?
Human sexual and intimate interaction, that is both sophisticated and heartfelt, is in my view one of the best resources for sustaining and deepening a relationship. It starts by providing you and your partner/spouse with a renewable resource for healthy human touch and affection. Clients enjoy an increase in spontaneous mutual affection. Numerous studies have proven touch is vital to our health in addition to the health of our relationships.
Also of great importance, better sex creates strong feelings of appreciation for the passion, joy, and incredible sexual experiences our romantic partners bring to our lives. This exponentially improves how much you desire and value your partner in the long term. It brings couples closer together. The hard times are moved through easier. Chances for infidelity are greatly reduced. You also gain and learn to show a lot more patience, sweetness, and respect for one another.
It is my firm belief that just like the body and mind needs nourishing food, water, and air to flourish, human nature also requires tangible, real-world fuel for our best romantic relationships: Appreciation. Healthy, abundant, enjoyable touch. A sophisticated sex life. These three combined is that real-world fuel. This is what has been missing in many perspectives on how to improve relationships.
Past clients of mine have thanked me by saying: “You’re a life-changer!” “I fell in love with my partner/spouse all over again.” The two of you create or renew the feeling that you’re lovers, not just roommates on the journey through life together.
Is this only for people in a relationship? What if I’m single?
I have had many individual clients work with me on a wide variety of topics. Two of the most popular are singles who want to improve their sexual skills to enjoy sex more before they settle down and others who are learning to be an amazing lover in their next relationship. Because let’s face it: if you fall in love with sex and you’re great in bed, chances are you won’t be single much longer.
Other clients are interested in basic to advanced masturbation skills for first time orgasms and beyond: making their solo sex life amazing, which is often first step to migrating that knowledge over into partner sex. Along those lines, clients learn how to view solo sex through new eyes; recognizing what’s uniquely great about it independent of partner sex.
Is my personal information I discuss with you confidential?
Absolutely. See my Privacy page for more information.
Don’t only people who are “bad in bed” need sex life coaching?
No. I have clients from all over the spectrum of sexual ability. Everyone who wants the very best in solo or partnered sex will benefit from sex life coaching. Whether you’re taking your first steps or feel ready for more advanced sex techniques and pleasures that you won’t find in books or learn from other sex education professionals, there are always greater orgasm, intimacy, and hot sex-sustaining methods to experience.
In addition to being there for beginners, I am a new resource for sexually advanced clients that has largely been unavailable. Many people who consider themselves more sexually sophisticated than most all tell me they ignore sex teaching and coaching outlets because those professionals focus only on basic to intermediate sex knowledge bases or lack the depth of detail required for advanced sexual skills.
What are your consultations and coaching sessions like?
The prospective client and I communicate either in-person, over the phone, or Skype (or another VoIP program). We discuss their interests for change and growth in their sex lives, where they are now, goals as well as barriers, concerns, and questions. If I believe I cannot assist someone with their issues and interests, I let them know and refer out to professionals I know and trust.
I discuss payment plans and send prospective clients a contract for the coaching package they select. Clients also confer with me on their progress between sessions in addition to receiving new material. Based on our discussions, I customize what I teach to meet the needs and unique characteristics of each individual and/or couple dynamic. For more information on what it’s like to do sex life coaching, visit my Coaching Services & Methods page.
If you have to work on sex, that makes it too mechanical, right?
A long time ago, I too used to assume that if you have to work at it, then it’s not special or “right” because it didn’t flow effortlessly. However, I questioned that assumption and found many people can have flow, romantic focus, and present connection to their partner, but their problem is, what they’re doing while in flow may not be pleasurable or much to write home about.
For example, ever been with a bad kisser? They have lots of flow, but no technique, bad technique, or very simplistic technique that is lack-luster. Flow is most often at its best when the technique showcased within it is stellar. Arts like dance, painting, and singing, to name a few, understand this. I bring this understanding to sex and with it a sound methodology that delivers the very best.
Do you touch or have sex with your clients?
No, I do not. I coach clients while remaining fully clothed at all times. I utilize verbal coaching and if clients are comfortable, demonstrate physical sexual skills with props or with my hands in mid-air as models, or demonstrate body movements and positions similar to a yoga instructor’s method. If the client has chosen Guided Sessions, I view and instruct clients in real time while they engage in some form of sexual activity they are interested in developing. I do not engage in sexual contact with clients nor with myself for free or for any form of compensation. I also do not arrange meetings of any kind between clients.
Do you see clients from the lesbian, gay, bi, and trans-gendered communities?
Absolutely. My mentor, Betty Dodson, is a long-time friend of the LGBT community and I reflect those values. I am well-versed with particular sexual skills more often favored by the LGBT community. I also work with the visually-impaired, hearing-impaired, and physically-challenged.
Do I have to get my coaching from you in-person?
I utilize Skype and phone consults in addition to in-person sessions in Chicago, New York City, or any other city I am visiting. If you are interested in in-person sessions, I conduct sessions at the location we mutually agree upon. I do not utilize an office space because most of my clients are interested in a place they control and feel comfortable in. They also like the old-fashioned “house call” feel of something this personal to them.
Is sex life coaching compatible with my conservative religious beliefs?
All of my clients get to customize their sessions to what they are ready for and feel comfortable with. My “Coaching for Conservatives” specialized coaching option is designed to provide for the needs of such clients. I recommend you inform me of religious or philosophical beliefs during your consultation that may come into conflict with the material I present. I do not compel clients to change their beliefs. I match the content clients receive to work successfully within the framework of their beliefs.
What motivations and interests do your clients bring to you?
* My clients understand the power of outsourcing and want everything that comes with sophisticated sex much sooner than later without spending years on end in trial and error.
* Many want great sex in their married life, but don’t want to resort to infidelity or get a divorce to have it.
* Some clients are through the burden of shame-based thought and want to be free of unwanted shame at last.
* Men who seek mastery over ejaculation control and other forms of confidence during sex.
* Some feel frightened by sex, but want sexual pleasure, and to finally be rid of the fear.
* They want to end the arguments over sex with their partners and replace them with happiness, thrills, and compatibility in the bedroom.
* Many want to be free of low levels of sexual desire, but also want enhanced sexual desire to be manageable and integrate well into their lives and relationships.
* They don’t want a sex life that is boring, frustrating, or non-existent.
* Others want to have sex more often and have more and bigger orgasms.
* Many are returning to sexual feelings after years of dormancy or are newly opening to them.
* They want to reduce stress and learn how to make more time for sex.
* They are single or recently single and want to improve their sexual sophistication before meeting their next partner.
* They do fine on dates, but lose prospective partners once they are in the bedroom.
* Women who want to have their first time orgasm.
* They are held back by a unique problem or condition and want alternative solutions.
* They want to learn how to have new and different kinds of orgasms.
* Many have children and want to learn how great sex and kids can co-exist in the same household.
* Some have more or less sex drive than their partner and want to even things out.
* Some are couples are happy they saw a marriage counselor, but it was clear they needed a different professional to forward their sex life.
* Some see the value of life and business coaches and now want a specialized coach for their sex life.
* They want the real thing in sex. More than just another dozen roses or lingerie gift.
What are your credentials and is what you teach your clients based in scientific research?
My credentials are unique in that I’m the only sex life coach/sex coach to have trained in the apprenticeship style for ten years with an extant sex coach with the most time and experience in the field who also coined the term, sex coach: Betty Dodson, PhD. Other coach-making programs last less than two years and will instruct on how to coach generically on anything, but to my knowledge offer no instruction on human sexuality.
A certain portion of my material is based from scientific sexology studies I agree with and the teachings of other professionals, but the bulk of it originates from my mentor’s 40+ years of experience with her clients and my own development, application, and personal research. I am not a sexologist. However, I have investigated AASECT certification requirements and the curriculum of Ph.D. and masters degree-granting institutions for sexology. I have concluded that their requirements for knowledge of physical sexual skills is inadequate.
The two-year Ph.D. degree program at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality requires only two classes devoted to understanding physical sexual skills: the basic and the advanced class. This isn't nearly enough. I compare that to requiring only two classes in biology before becoming an MD. The American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists’ certification requirements has also greatly under-emphasized knowledge of physical sexual skills as well.
I read the published works of sex therapists and sexologists who have completed these programs and/or certifications and their information has, at best, yet to surpass both what I learned from my mentor, other sex education professionals, pre existing resources, and what I have researched and developed independently. At worst, some of these works specifically deride the need for physical sexual skill set building, which does nothing but turn the clock back.
I am over forty and have focused full time in this field for twenty years which put me behind the scenes of sex research claims. There are too high a number of scientific and medical-based claims about sex pertaining especially to female sexual pleasure function and anatomy with which my mentor, select colleagues, and I completely disagree. Science and medical resources cannot presently be considered the sole resource for advancing human sexual sophistication. Some studies and experiment findings are out right laughable, but most are subtle in their inaccuracies, fail to ask the right questions, or exclude what are, in my experience and training, very important variables which would change results dramatically. The most common shortcoming I see when I read books and articles is oversimplified solutions based on ignorance of deeper levels of understanding.
Today’s academic sex research is not all bad. Like I said, I do agree with some of it and there are well-executed studies. For example, there was a study that found over ninety percent of the heterosexual women in the experiment were more sexually attracted to a man with a deep voice. I discussed this with straight women in my sphere and found the same sentiment. I then contextualized this information successfully into my sex life coaching work for heterosexual men in support of using a deeper tone especially during sex. Moreover, how to physically do that and combine that with the correct mindset and intentions. Real world contextualization of strong scientific findings is crucial. If you can’t apply a statistic or study conclusion to a real world client, what good is it?
My mentor Betty once told me that a psychologist once called her sex coaching work, “The applied science division of sexology.”
I am not solely anti-academic. I also find different kinds of fault with non-academic sex education and therapy/coaching sources. A lot of the information from this group is sophomoric, biased, misleading for profit, crudely understood and taught, or makes absurd claims that are patently false or apply to a minority of individuals but are made to sound like occurrences in the majority.
I am a natural skeptic who demands solid proof and replicable incidences that can be reliably taught to my clients; not vaguely presented sexual instruction decorated with hearts-and-flowers romance, questionable statistical findings that are made in ignorance of strong sexual pleasure skills, and from some sex educators, what amounts to urban legends to sell their product. I incorporate novel sex life enhancement and issue resolution methods as they prove themselves to me.
Why go to a straight male sex life coach over a female coach?
I agree that the straight male demographic is the largest one out there out there that needs to spend more time developing greater sexual sophistication. I fully acknowledge the wrongs that mankind has perpetrated against womankind. However, not every man goes down those roads. Some men want the very best for themselves and for the women in their lives and are also angered by what men have and have not done for or to women.
One of several reasons I chose an apprenticeship style of training/credentialing over an academic one is this form of knowledge conveyance grants the teacher years with the student– ten years, in this case. The teacher comes to understand fully the student’s character and motivations. My mentor Betty Dodson, one of the first sexuality advocates in the women’s movement of the 60’s and 70’s, vouches for me and my integrity.
I refer those clients who feel strongly about seeing a woman to my mentor Betty. That said, there have been male and female clients who specifically wanted a male sex life coach for reasons of their own. They did not want to work with a woman. Women and men exhibit the full range of gender preferences for their sex life coach.
Don’t you need to be a woman to teach women how to have better sex?
No more so than a woman must have a penis before she can truly understand how to guide men to better sex. There are many books written by woman authors about how to best sexually please a man. These authors do not have a penis nor do they know what it feels like to have one. Women have been perfecting skills to serve male sexual pleasure for a very long time, but no one questions their expertise due to their gender.
I paraphrase, but my mentor Betty Dodson once taught me: “It’s a myth that every woman knows better on how to please a woman, nor does a man for pleasing men. Second, even if one’s individual life experiences and gender contribute to sexual skills, after a certain point, you’ve either done your homework and striven for excellence, or you haven’t. As in all things, talent will take you only so far.”
Is sex life coaching via Guided Sessions the only way you work with clients?
No, most of my clients choose my other method, Talk Sessions, as their preferred form of sex life coaching. Guided Sessions do have their advantages in that I can see what is happening and solve problems that the client(s) aren't aware of and therefore couldn't bring up for discussion during a Talk Session.
That said, I always work as the client's comfort level allows.
How long do clients work with you before seeing results?
It depends on the client, but I’ve had clients make very fast progress in or after their first session and others move more gradually. I have other clients who have been with me for over two years making breakthrough after breakthrough and doing it all at their own pace. That’s what I mean when I say build your sex life. In general, clients learn basic skills, then intermediate, then use what they’ve mastered to do even more elaborate and mind-blowing things– they create and expand their sex menu or sex library, as I call it.
One thing that excites me so much about how I work is clients don’t make just one breakthrough and they know everything there is to know. There are multiple breakthroughs over time that are unique to each client with their own stories, issues, and interests.
Is there anyone who you won’t take on as a client?
• Men and women who committed sexual crimes and/or violent crimes.
• Anyone under the age of 18. I reserve the right to request age verification.
• Those who plan on using or being under the influence of illegal substances during session.
• Anyone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and anti-social personality disorder.
• Clients taking medication for other psychological conditions require a note from their therapist saying they are ready for sex life coaching are accepted.
After a consultation, if I feel sex life coaching in the form I practice it will not be effective for your issues or goals you’ve set, I’ll let you know and refer you to a trusted professional in an area of expertise that I consider applicable.
I reserve the right to terminate service at my sole discretion and issue a refund to the client for all uncompleted sessions. I reserve the right to refuse to take on a new client and without explanation.
Note: Check with your doctor to be sure you’re healthy enough for sexual activity. We can also work within parameters recommended by your doctor.
How do I get started?
Please send me a message via my
contact page. I will reply via protonmail.com secure email to schedule your $40 Skype/phone consultation or $65 in-person consultation. The consult lasts for up to 30 or 45 minutes. We’ll discuss how my brand of sex life coaching will resolve present issues and then move you forward into a consistently high-quality sex life.
I work with clients two ways:
• In-person locally and globally (via expenses-paid visit to their location)
• Via Skype or other video conference program
I have short term and long term clients. People who work with me and create what they want and move on, but I also have ongoing clients who I have worked with for several years. As they get better at sex, they learn and develop new abilities. I act as a source for reducing trial and error challenges and inspire along the way to new directions and levels of enjoyment.