“Everyone Is Like Me, Right?” and The More.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine about what she thought may have been the most pivotal erroneous belief she had about sex– past tense. Now, she sees things differently. It’s one of the most common presumptions I hear: believing everyone has the same anatomy and sexual capabilities that you have, the same progression of learning about sex, and the same sexual skills knowledge or lack thereof.
My mentor Betty Dodson has a section in her book, Sex For One, describing how her mother would say things like:
“Oh Betty Anne, everyone knows that.”
Or the opposite…
“That isn’t true.” (because it wasn’t true for her).
Both examples swing to their opposites; not everyone knows that even though you figured a piece out by yourself and “it” is true for certain people.
My friend said my info helped her see the variability out there or as I call it, the spectrum. In my view, people lie along spectrums of understanding, innate neurological pleasure capability, how strong their sex skill sets are, etc. There is no sole capability, just trends of what the majority vs minority experience.
Couples have to change from looking at sex like, “Things I can and can’t do,” which is harder for most people to make change through. Dismay over what you don’t know yet puts so many people in micro-depressions which causes them to turn away from taking the few steps needed to become better at creating sexual enjoyment in themselves and their partners.
Dismay’s subtle poison that stops growth extends to any kind of self-improvement. Instead, look at it like you’re on a continuum and you want to move more so in one direction than the other.
People think there is only one way to be at sex: better or worse, but it’s more multifaceted than that. For example, I have and have had clients who want changes on one end of a spectrum, let’s say male ejaculation control. A man will want to slow his time to orgasm down, but another has difficulty ejaculating during sex. When I mention that the opposite of coming too fast is out there, people are often fascinated that variant exists.
A statement I find myself making a lot about how to have better sex is, “Yes, and there’s more.” Yes, you can tear each other’s wet clothes off in shower after a gym workout. That’s great. But there’s more. Imagine what the shower-tear-off would be like when you know how to combine that with the ‘more’ too.” Ice cream is good. A well-made ice cream sundae with a side of warm crepes is better.
“The more” is devoting yourself to strengthening your abilities to give and receive pleasure. To surpass capabilities you believe you already have. Then make yours the things you’ve never heard of, and finally combining it all together. You’re not done yet: roll hot talk into that. Roleplay, clothes ripping, music, your voice tones, all of it. Into a triple-decker sexual experience that’s much greater than its individual parts alone.
I had dinner with a couple who were clients of mine at a sushi restaurant after a session and they said my way of having sex was like the elaborate delicious sushi rolls that combine many elements for a taste you can’t get any other way. Some of the best dishes in the world are artful combinations of seasonings and preparation methods.
We can do the same for our sense of touch and minds. You can make masterpieces of your sex life when one wants it and sets out to make it happen. The positive urban legend you hear every once in a while of the person who has no idea what their lover is doing to them, but is in awe before they come hard is exactly what I’m talking about.
And there’s more… like telling them exactly what you’re doing– flawlessly because you’re so damn good at it. That’s another thing I hear: “Wow, we are so good at this.”