Two Major Ways To Be Hotter During Sex
This blog is about two of the major types of hot sex. I call them ravishment on one hand and skill-based or skill-stacking on the other. Both are necessary for a long term successful sex life. Let’s define them:
Ravishment is like it sounds. One person immerses themselves into everything about their sex partner that turns them on and caresses, indulges, and plays with all of it, in one way or another, primarily for their own enjoyment. For so many of us, ravishment is how we’ve defined hot, good sex from the beginning of that understanding. It’s feeling them up as much as you want as an expression of how hot your partner is and how much you want to experience them via touch.
Plus, the touch is invited by them. We hear the term, feeling them up, and most often it describes unethical, uninvited touch. However, the mindset that encompasses “feeling up” is similar to invited as not. The difference is in caring whether or not your advance is accepted. Caress is the only pure word I can think of for invited sensual/sexual touch. Fondle is also negative 99% of the time.
Anyway, ravishment doesn’t stop with touch; the smell of them, their taste, feasting on them with your eyes, loving the sounds they make and words they say. It’s gobbling them up sexually with the senses. This is the form of sex that we see most often in Hollywood movies besides tender, silver screen lovemaking.
Ravishment is what is easiest to the majority of people. Those doing the ravishing and those receiving. It’s an expression of their arousal, their “horny”, and their desire. A recipient woman’s sexual ego very commonly views ravishment as an affirmation of how beautiful and sexy she is. She also gets more turned on when she sees her partner is taken by her physicality. Enjoying it to the fullest in a healthy positive way.
You get the idea. There are some clients I’ve coached who can’t bring themselves to enjoy sex this way. Sometimes they have hangups; having been told too often that sexual enjoyment like this is shameful or that it implies selfishness. Once I was told that the man is the only person who has a right to enjoy sex this way and if a woman does it, then it’s once again, shameful and selfish. That sounded like something out of the 1800’s
Then there are those who have never had sex this way because they think there is a lot of responsibility to be good at it. Like they’re having to put on a show and be a great act. The advice I can give you on that is first allow yourself to enjoy some part of your partner throwing away all concern for how good it makes them feel or how sexy you think they think you look. Start reasonable with your indulgence in them. Don’t go crazy. That’s the first step. Then as confidence builds, ask for feedback on what could be better. Confidence comes from being good at something and everything takes experience.
One of the drawbacks of ravishment is unintentionally causing pain. The most common source of this is squeezing that’s too hard because the emotional content, the desire and excitement, of what the squeezer is feeling, is very strong. Then there are those who love the pain not necessarily because the discomfort arouses them, but rather the knowing that their partner is so excited. This is also a fundamental root to “rough sex” and why some people love it. Every couple has to talk about whether or not rough sex is on the menu or exactly how rough. I had a client once who was a bit crestfallen that she couldn’t go all out on her partner due to too much ferocity on her part. Though a balance was struck in time and they found ways for her to go there.
Another drawback is how often ravishment sex isn’t about how good it feels. It’s about ego affirmations: “I’m so hot he goes crazy on me!” “How badass am I because she can’t wait to take it?” Those fun mental thrills are good, but people are overvaluing those concepts due to our culture and its powerful obsession over image and desirability, which is all a head game and has nothing to do with physical sensation. Therefore, how good something feels -and- doesn’t feel are ignored and missed out on.
Many people assume they can keep going with ravishment as the only thing on the menu throughout their sex life. Then they find out that the mind can grow more accustomed to the same kind of sex over and over, which ravishment very often does; an inherent disadvantage. If the focus is in the passion for the person, then what you’re actually doing to them isn’t focused upon. The problem is, your mind is paying attention and will essentially get bored with too much of the same thing over time. Or, the recipient will wonder if there’s more to sex than they’re having and that ignoring of how good things feel ends. This transition is a major element that will alter the course of sex lives in the blink of an eye. That’s when the skill-based sex forms or skill-stacking comes into play.
Here you focus on the hot of specific sex acts and everything that makes them exciting to do with your partner. Making them orgasm big time is often a goal and getting into the hot of that moment and self esteem boost that you could do it. However, the more specific you get, the more skill, knowledge, or coincidental luck you need to make things amazing and satisfying. Real life is not like how it goes down in the movies.
People will rate lovers’ skills with performing oral sex, intercourse, etc. They were great at it, okay, horrible, whatever. It’s not about doing whatever in expression of desire for them and how much they turn you on. It’s about your level of mastery of one or more things on the sex menu you’re serving them. Then comes the skill-stacking, which is also a large part of what I teach: combining sexual stimulation forms together for a greater result that can’t be attained with just one source of stimulation.
The use of skills can be so elaborate that the person giving will at times have to focus their full attention on what they’re doing to make sure the stimulation is on target and stays that way. A more specific example of that change in the blink of an eye: the receiving partner will have something done to them that feels great and they want more, but then the ravishment’s chaotic nature stops that form of stimulation and starts something else that is nice, but isn’t as good as what was just happening. That can happen multiple times leaving the receiver frustrated even though their partner is having the time of their lives ravishing them. For some people, if the receiver speaks up about it, the ravisher assumes that they are doing exactly what they should be for “good sex” and gets defensive. The receiver doesn’t want to “hurt their ego/feelings”, so they stay silent. For a while. Maybe permanently. This obviously leads inevitably to problems.
In short, the system our culture has in place, ad-hoc, for sex cannot function in the long term. We cannot maintain long term successful sex lives if ravishment is all we know. The same goes for skill-stacking. If you only have the view point of sex to serve someone else while you’re working hard, then you don’t get to play with the joy of letting go of specifics and get indulgent. Clients feel like I’m setting up a rock and a hard place when I talk about this, but there is a way.
You can utilize both forms separately or once you are good at some skills, do both because you know how to do it so well that you can fuse ravishment intentions and feelings with skill-stacking’s more elaborate content. An elaborate example is providing optimal and consistent stimulation to her clitoris, vagina, and breasts while french kissing her perfectly plus maintaining that ravishment intention. Now that’s incredible sex. This also becomes easier the longer you’re in a sexual relationship that utilizes both sex forms and sets aside time to practice new skills.
As I’ve often said, a more sophisticated and much more pleasurable sex life is real and can be created. One that is much more three-dimensional than the one our culture hand-me-downs.