Tips On How To Balance Parenthood and Your Sex Life


Sex after kidsI work with clients who want a sex life along with parenthood and bring their issues to me for creative problem solving. Here is a rundown on some of the most common topics and my solutions:

The classic issue when sex and children collide is when women feel even more stress to provide for their partners’/husbands’ sexual needs while also dealing with baby-oriented tasks (and can extend far beyond toddler years). Women can feel like there are two lifeforms pulling them in separate directions which adds to the frustration. However, that’s not the last straw.

The big sting to women is partners (looking primarily at men here) who don’t bring sophistication or at worst, consideration, to the bedroom. Who, for example, have their sexual enjoyment as the only priority and get their orgasm every time, but their wife does not. Then there’s how much enjoyment she gets from sex whether it’s orgasmic or not.  She acquiesces or endures for his benefit to keep the peace. Wifely duties, which sounds like it’s from a bygone era, still appears out there and in some cultures, is still the norm. The bottom line: Sex that feels one-sided to women makes them turn away from having more sex especially when motherhood comes about.

My first piece of guidance I give on this is simple, but due to certain long-standing cultural weaknesses is often made much more difficult to see: Partners to mothers of babies and small children have to look at the quality of the sex they are bringing and make necessary upgrades if they expect to have a good sex life during baby rearing years. Like I’ve said before, when sex is very enjoyable/hot for women, they are motivated to do it more often and have it be a regular part of their lives. This is an interest in sex that is stronger than only when she’s in the mood, which is often less so for many women once baby’s in the crib. It’s a sigh of relief and excitement for life together when sex mutually benefits her and her partner and does so consistently.

So, what’s an easy way to make fast and effective upgrades? The first thing to do is bring in a new style of seduction, so to speak. It’s partner/husband offering an oasis to the new mom through a sexy massage to get her focus out of mother-mode and into hot woman mode. Get a sensual massage book and pick out some things you would like to do to her, which gets your motivation going as well.

You have to step up and initiate a calming down and sexing up time for touch and sexual stimulation that focuses entirely on her. I had a client tell me that being pampered like this felt like she was in a sex spa where she could reach out and play with her hot massage guy’s erection which happened to be her lusty husband. She was put in the mood for some form of sex be it intercourse, vaginal if possible, anal because they learned how and she liked it, or a long oral sex session and all of it orgasmic for her.

One of the things that staying connected to hot sex does for women is it gives them variety in life from constant mothering. Many women throw themselves into mothering 500% and that is a choice each woman has to make for herself. However, I’ve never seen a study done on how many of those women would incorporate good sex into their management of being a new mom and having that run much more smoothly as a result.

Another issue is nurturing motherhood emotions and strong urges to constantly be around and engaged with baby. These are the opposite of sex-inspiring for the majority of women at a minimum, and at maximum, turn women into what some people have referred to a mombot: a being with no other directive in its existence but to mother children.

Again, going 500% into motherhood is a choice, but know that there are downsides. One client told me how she had a moment of clarity one day and realized her entire personality had changed into someone even she didn’t like. Her life with her husband had transformed for the worse. It was a personality that impacted everyone she came in contact with. She realized how much of herself she had unnecessarily abandoned once baby love and responsibilities entered her life.

One of the worst moments in some relationships dawn on people once children arrive. The feeling that the fun is history, their connection is defined only by child rearing, then when that’s done, they get old, asexual, and die. Raising kids is big, but it doesn’t have to hijack your life-affirming romantic life if you take action the loss of your sex life seriously. We’ll come back to that “seriously” topic later.

Another tip I can give to regulate the urges to cuddle and go baby ga-ga is be aware of how addicted you are to baby head smell. It’s a scientific fact that baby’s scalps and skin give off a scent and hormones that cause our brains to go into hyper-affectionate cuddling mode. Positive touch is needed to create a happy healthy psychology in humans from day one. This bio-trigger is there to help make sure that happens. However, for balance, be aware of the power this scent has and don’t become addicts. That means be aware of what it does, enjoy it, but select time to put baby in the crib, shake off the cuddly-wuddly lovey-dovey brain state with a cold shower, and make time for some great sex. This is easier for those couples who are capable of great sex together.

Don’t forget all the things that people say good sex does for you before it makes a baby: reduces stress (very important now that baby brings more stress) gives you something to look forward to on rough days (which I hear get rougher with baby’s screaming) and keeps that desire and excitement to be together alive (the point that brought the two of you together in the first place, not just as a booby trap, pun intended, to ensnare you into nothing more than efficient propagation of the species).

Taking on a new mentally-hot perspective on a woman becoming a mom can help a lot too. Make being a mother hot, but a different kind of hot from pre-mom hot woman. You’ll have to sign up for coaching with me to get the details, but it gives you a different way to look at her as hot and make you want to have sex with her. Plus, it affirms that she has a new way to be desirable and didn’t lose anything.

This goes into a category of coaching where I teach clients to choose a mindset and immerse themselves into it. Some people learn to do this along the way and form many different ways to get turned on to someone or to different someones instead of having one definition of hot and all others do nothing for them or turn them off. Flexibility in mind is more important in my opinion than flexibility in body for a better life.

Now, two very often-heard issues: lack of energy and constant child presence. The first is the emotional and mental endurance, more so than physical, required to rear children. Clients tell me: “they cry and fuss from the day they’re born till the day they leave home. The only difference is the fussing just changes forms as they grow.” There is a draining of  adults when having to deal with this. Multiply this times several children or one or more children with challenging personalities and that mombot and dadbot reality closes in very quickly.

Then there’s how to have good sex when the kids are constantly around requiring supervision or just within earshot. People wonder why men have mistresses and women have lovers and don’t ask don’t tell. These two issues, especially the latter: the lack of personal space for great sex, are in the top ten reasons for sex on the side.

The first thing to do to fix this cycle is make a distinction between the present reality of dealing directly with the downsides of having a kid(s) and the present reality of how the child (at whatever age) is not present in front of you right now with their issue(s) that drain. This is very important. Too many people have stress issues in their lives, but don’t have the capability to compartmentalize them into times where their minds and emotions are occupied (consumed) by those issues and times where those things are pushed out of mind so that other things can get their due time and focus.

There are obvious exceptions to this solution, like when a child is in very serious trouble and you can’t just push that out of mind to enjoy sex with your partner. However, there are many, many more issues that arise in child/teen/whatever age rearing that are not dire and take up far too much obsessive focus because so many of our minds are in the habit of chronic fixation on problems or annoyances. Make a decision to, when the child is in bed or out of the room for X amount of time, grab some dark chocolate (or milk if you prefer) and have some erotic time with your partner with the intention to first enjoy the good feelings from sexual stimulation. People go to sweets and junk food to calm stress because they put you in a better mood. Instead of going too far with the food option, combine chocolate and some sexy time.

This becomes much easier of course when the couple has some strong sexual skills that they use to pleasure their partners. When you have great chocolate in your mouth and stunning sexual sensations in your genitals, your present reality can change focus quickly. If your mind wants to pull your attention back to the kid issue(s), don’t let it. Your reality now, -right now-, is sex and mayber having a good orgasm– not parenting not how annoying your children are. This does take practice, but the more you resolve yourself to do so, the better you’ll get at it and one day in the near future, you’ll be having more sex and enjoying the fruits of how that sex and orgasm(s) will remedy the stress.

In my opinion, one of the failures of our culture is completely forgetting or throwing away the awareness that there are two diametrically-opposed relationships co-existing under one roof: the romantic sexual relationship and the parental relationship. There’s no getting around the fact that you have little roommates for the next 18 to 25 (or more) years of life. One of the time-honored solutions is the trip to grandma’s. Luckily for many couples, there are two sets of them to send the kids to!

Once you have your proverbial room, when you have the house to yourselves, go crazy. Get very serious about hot sex so you make the most of it. Practice new skills not just doing the ones that work. Fill all that time to yourselves with luxurious sex time. No home repairs or other time fills. This is your mini-vacation from parenthood. Your plan to allow your romantic relationship to flower to the fullest. I’ve heard some couples therapists close to me say it’s absolutely necessary or the sterility and challenge of parental life will only bog you down further and further over time. These therapists’ tell me their most successful clients are the ones that take this advice to heart and move on it. That said, they are also the couples who have a system in place for great sex.

On a similar line of strategy, you can also hire more babysitters and have more nights out. Start out early so you max your hours together, but not just for dinner. For sex. At a hotel or other space. That’s another big tip: never spend your evening going to a play /movie/sporting event and having a heavy meal or both and calling it your night out together. You didn’t have sex! So you aren’t tending to that romantic flowering. You can go to shows, events, and dinners with friends. Spend the majority of that block of time having your version of a sexathon. Order in some quality food or have an early light dinner, have a snack between rounds of sex, brush your teeth, then get back to more hot sex. The sexual deprivation that parenting creates helps motivate this.

If you do coaching with me, you’ll know that this gives you more time for all the amazing new things you learn how to do during your sessions. Another strategy, promise each other at least one night a month consistently to get a room and make it all happen, big time, in addition to your other smaller opportunities for sex.

I’ll say it again, get serious about sex. Serious like Christian Grey-serious, as I call it. That’s one of the most useful aspects to that fictional character from the 50 Shades of Grey series. He took sex and doing it well very seriously, meaning it was something he strongly valued, wanted the best of, and made that a reality. If I was to select one thing from that trilogy that would most benefit both women and men in the real world, it is that.

Two final free tips I can give parents, particularly of older children and sometimes younger, is grab every bit of time for some form of sex play that you can. Get up thirty minutes to an hour earlier and go to bed earlier so that more morning sex is possible. Get good at forms of hot but silent sex. Take time out while kids are at practice or a friends’ house for more intimacy time. Even five to ten minutes or less can be a great quickie moment. Make a rotation between fellow moms and dads to handle kids at their place while the other couple(s) gets to party. Be creative to carve out more time because too much time is there for you both and it isn’t being utilized. Summer camp! After-school activities.

Use your time wisely takes on a whole new meaning with being a parent. You can’t grab your husband in the bathroom and pull him onto the kitchen counter any time you want anymore. Spontaneity is nigh-impossible with kids. Schedule things. Anticipation is a strong sex toy. Don’t take on every little thing that you can just because someone offers it to you and you feel helplessly compelled by your work ethic to do so. This is a habit of overachievers that betrays them in the bedroom inevitably. Your sex life will be weak to non-existant when you have to juggle parenting with taking everything on. You could do that before kids, sort-of. Children bring in a whole new reality and reorganization on multiple levels must happen if you value your sex life.

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