A Sex Life Coach’s Commentary On Fifty Shades of Grey


Many have heard about the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series of fiction books which is a trilogy of developed romantic storyline plus erotica. What I’ve been reading in most erotica over the years are sex descriptions of orgasm that are more fiction than fact. Principally, causes of a woman’s orgasm that reinforces very unrealistic expectations of the best sex and ease of orgasm possible for the vast majority of women.

This is entertaining writing, but many readers out there will take the descriptions as 100% accurate and then wonder why they can’t have vaginal orgasms as easily as Anastasia Steele can with Christian Grey. As a sex life coach, it’s my job to point out the strengths and shortcomings of such popular literature so that people who read it don’t go off on wild goose chases and get crestfallen when those chases turn up dead ends. For years, I’ve divided erotica into two forms: the kind where a woman’s orgasm comes out of nowhere and we have to make assumptions on what made it happen and the kind where the author makes its trigger clear. I favor the second type. The descriptions are always hotter and more detailed as well.

The most common way Anastasia has orgasms is during intercourse with Christian. There is no description of what Christian’s large penis (of course) is doing inside Ana’s vagina other than moving to and fro. He’s not bumping the cervix with the head of his penis and he’s not utilizing a specific angle to stimulate an orgasm-inducing spot inside her vaginal walls. Just in and out. Ana’s rise up to orgasm is described several times and it is always the same.

Paraphrased, a feeling welling up from inside getting stronger and stronger until her vagina orgasms from friction alone. No direct nor indirect stimulation of the clitoris. Now, if it is possible to trigger the autonomic part of the female nervous system and brain to have an authentic orgasm under these sexual conditions consistently, then it is a very rare capability. One that, in my professional opinion, a given woman’s body and neurology can do or cannot. Sex scientists have made claims that the first third of the vagina is responsible for these orgasms. What I find at fault in releasing this data is they do not state that so many women’s vaginas do not possess this capability when so stimulated.

However, there are other orgasms that can learned and triggered via stimulation of specific points inside the vagina. I do not call these orgasms “vaginal orgasms” for the same reason I do not call a clitoral orgasm a “vulvar orgasm”. Specificity is always paid to the clitoris for clitoral orgasms. We must do so as well with the orgasmic zones accessible within the vagina. If we don’t, then it becomes much too vague and difficult to find one’s way to these awesome pleasures. We humans give intense attention to detail when it comes to so many other important things in life: business, science, medicine. We must do the same with our sex lives.

My next point focuses on the pressure our culture places on us to have and make women have vaginal orgasms. It’s the part of the culture that places sexual expectations on women and men vs the part that demonizes sexual enjoyment altogether. We hear it through the grapevine and locker rooms about this. These sources also fail to give us usable instructions on how to make a vaginal orgasm, as I’ve described above, happen. That doesn’t matter though, you have to be able to do it anyway.

Male ego is one thing that fuels this because at basic levels men fantasize that their erections can do it all for her. They hear their friends say the same thing. In the absence of solid information to go by plus the urgings of ego, men come to these conclusions. One of the pillars of performance anxiety is born as well. There are others, but that’s a big one. It’s the number one reason why women fake orgasm from intercourse with a man.

Both women and men bold-face lie about being able to do this publicly so that they look good . I’ve seen it happen often; even a few times when I know better about the teller’s sex life. I don’t blame the tellers. The problem firstly is with the faulty messages and pressure we get from that grapevine.  The move beyond that ignorance into designing your own sex life on your terms and with accuracy is a big part of what I do.

I also saw in the first book of the series (the one most of us read) where Christian provided skillful clitoral stimulation to clitoral orgasm… twice. All the other times he did it he stopped before Anastasia climaxes and switches to intercourse and a storybook vaginal orgasm. I would ask the author, if Christian is a master lover, why doesn’t he make Anastasia’s clitoris orgasm and then her vagina follow suit for two orgasms? He wanted to pleasure torture her? Okay, fine. You can do that, but not as many times as he did it and it wasn’t said that he intended to do so.

The very first time the two characters have sex, he does simultaneous clitoral stimulation and vaguely referred-to g spot stimulation with one hand. (It takes practice, believe me.) Again, he stops before clitoral and/or g spot orgasm and makes her come with vaginal intercourse with the large penis. (Another assumption made by the culture; and by some women while their sisterslook at them with bewilderment.) Why doesn’t he give her a clitoral then a g spot orgasm? Then a friction-induced vaginal orgasm? 3 is better than one. It’s writing that focuses the reader once again on the primacy of vaginal orgasm induced by a penis.

The author writes this way because it taps into what the female collective consciousness fantasizes about, regardless of whether or not it’s attainable for the vast majority of women while simultaneously leaving out many other orgasm and pleasure possibilities unique to a woman’s body. (I’d add incredibly rich and supernaturally handsome men/princes who can fly helicopters and seek to end world hunger to that fantasy list as well.)  The damage that is done by erotica writing like this is similar to what some kinds of porn can do to certain viewers: set up unreasonable or impossible expectations which frustrates those who expect it to be true because they don’t have or have sought out a better quality source of sex information.

We must surpass this basic level of sexual sophistication. Congratulations to the women who claim with all honesty that this form of vaginally-induced orgasm is possible for them. That’s a great superpower you have there. But it doesn’t help those whose bodies can’t do it. All the women who cannot and never have had such an experience, no matter how big his penis is/was, will discover how their individual bodies produce “vaginal orgasms” through sex life coaching and related professional outlets. Then, as our collective sexual knowledge grows, erotica writers will have to keep up with a new set of expectations. If we don’t, then there are so many more, (and different kinds of) big O’s that are attainable that women will miss out on. And we don’t live forever.

Before I conclude, I do want to mention what Fifty Shades has done for my business. Women and men are coming to me because it lit a spark in them to get better at sex and do mostly the non-bdsm, gourmet vanilla (as I call it) sex things depicted; like simultaneous clitoral and g spot stimulation and hot intercourse. It also shows Christian Grey as a man who takes the initiative with sex, is very into Anastasia and sex, and many women want that from their beloveds. Men want to be that for their partners and also want her to want sex with him like Anastasia does with Christian. Partly out of male ego, but also out of love for women and creating great things for the women in their lives. These are the best things about the Fifty Shades trend and I’m very happy to help my clients create that in their lives.

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