Sex Toys and The TSA


Eric Amaranth recounts his run-ins with the TSA and the Sex Toys in his luggage.

My girlfriend and I went to a wedding this past weekend and decided to bring four of our favorite sex toys with us. Two were vibes shaped innocuously. One was a dil with an obvious phallic shape. The fourth was a glass design that defies brief description. Which is why it’s pictured at left. Read on for the humor and adventure.

We left from Newark International Airport. Made our way through security, manned and womaned, as always, by the intrepid TSA officers. All the toys were packed in my luggage. The officer at the viewing screen stopped the line and brought other officers over to get their opinions. I watched with a straight face while my girlfriend giggled quietly after having made it through their scrutiny. Suddenly the principle viewing agent said words to the effect of, “I don’t believe this. Bag check!”

I smiled inside, but kept a disinterested look on my face. They asked me whose bag it was and I raised my hand. They first ran the diagnostic wipes over the handles and inside surfaces then fed them into a machine. Nothing went off. Next step was the visual exam. The officer was a man and he rifled through my clothes. The toys were at the bottom of the suitcase. He stopped and stared for half a second, then put my things back on top and gestured with his thumb that I could be on my way. My gf was laughing harder by the time I joined her, but quietly. Oh yes, the officer had gloves on throughout the check.

The second run-in was in the return. A southern city’s small airport. Once again, I took the toys in my bag. Said bag went through the xray machine and again, the line was stopped. A middle aged woman with vintage spectacles peered at the screen for much longer than a half second. I’d estimate four. She didn’t call for viewing assistance, but did request a bag check and said out loud to the officer snapping on nitrile gloves, “It looks like an art piece!”

My gf had once again already made it through (though was scolded for having a toiletry/makeup bag that was too big. Apparently that’s  new no-no) and I looked over at her with her hand on her mouth covering up the giggles. The TSA guy ID’ed me as the owner of the bag as before, did the wipe down, then asked me where the object was that they were concerned about. I figured it was the glass toy, because the other three would not lend themselves to an art piece characterization. The phallus… the most obvious attention-grabber, never entered the discussion. The agent brought out the figure as seen above, reached over for a collection pan that you’d put jewelry and loose change in, then walked off with my art piece. They asked me what it was. I said art piece. Which is technically true.

I heard my gf choking back her guffaws. She’d lost it. I kept my poker face on and waited. They brought it back after a minute, I took it, they said I was free to travel. Put it back in, got my things, put my belt and shoes back on, and joined my gf. She lol’ed about that for the next three minutes. I smiled big and wondered why they were afraid of my toy and realized the spiral going up the “shaft” may have looked like a wire. Anyway, the moral of the story is to keep a straight face, you have a right to your hot sex toys in your bag, and enjoy the trip. Many people’s bet sex is on vacations due to the privacy and change of scenery.

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