The New Number One Reason For Divorce


Falling out of love has recently replaced infidelity as the number one reason for divorce.

According to this www.yourtango.com article, more marriages are surviving after an instance of cheating than ever before. The new reason for parting ways is simply falling out of love. The information comes from a new survey. Precisely along these lines is more written feedback to me by my client, “Joyce” (names changed):

“This is real, this is marriage/life changing.  I am excited to see “Ken” at the end of the day.  I am in love with him again.

“Also, our communication is getting better and easier. We got started unsuccessfully the other night on the bed. In the past this would have ended up in frustration, hurt feelings and probably just giving up.  It started to go there but instead we were able to do what you coached us on and just talk about it, in the way you told us to talk about it, laugh, and go find a surface that worked.”

“To me this is the biggest change, that it doesn’t have to be perfect constantly, we can relax, have a sense of humor, patience, and try something else.  We have never been this relaxed with each other, at least not in a very long time, or communicated about sex so well.” -Joyce

What created that falling back in love after being together for twenty years, plus children? I’ll ask Joyce for the specifics on that so you can see it in her words in my next post. Till then, here is more of my dialog with Joyce via email:

 

Joyce: “This is a long story, most of which isn’t really necessary to explain.  One of your other clients probably put it best-when you raise kids together the relationship turns into a partnership, sometimes a relay race, just to keep up.  The deep commitment, the shared responsibilities, the friendship; all are required to maintain a functioning family, which is it’s own reward.  I am not complaining. However, it is decidedly unsexy.  The intimate connection can get so lost in the business and stress of family life.  In addition, bodies change, wrinkles form and babies leave stretch marks and breasts aren’t what they once were.  All unsexy.  Communication patterns form as well, some steeped in resentment and just plain fatigue.  My husband Ken and I, 20 years in, are at the point where so many marriages unravel due to all of this stuff.  The opportunity to recharge our relationship, discover and learn new sexual skills is adding an element of excitement and connection we haven’t ever had.”

“I have, in the past, struggled with my body image and with food.  I can’t say that I ever really struggled with my weight in any big way, just thought I did.  One of the ways that I deleted that struggle was to change my internal message.  Instead of trying not to eat all the time, I decided and consciously told myself that I could eat whatever I wanted.  Instantly, I started making food choices based on what types of food my body wants, on whether or not I was really hungry, on what feels good to eat.  Stay with me here…  Ken and I have done the same thing with our relationship.  If you can have whatever (whomever) you want, do what ever you want, then what is left is this:  what do you want?  I am delighted to say that Ken is what (who) I want.  I could never have a lover more emotionally safe, more adventurous, more into me than Ken.  I DO NOT want to worry about STDs or whether or not another lover will look at me critically, thinking geez this lady needs a boob job and a tummy tuck.  Who needs it?”

“And guess what, Ken’s hard penis is so much hotter to me now.”

Eric: “That’s interesting. See how big penis is much more attractive when it has sex skills and good communication behind it? Do you see his penis differently now?”

Joyce: “The funniest question I have EVER been asked:  ‘Do you see his penis differently now?’ Actually, yes.  It has skills, they’re multiplyin’. And presence… yeah… now that he can do so much more to me with it and the huge size isn’t painful after your advice.”

 

This is an excellent example of the subtle issues even when the coveted large penis is present in a shared sex life. Big does not automatically mean better, no matter how much the series Hung would have us believe. Make sure you scroll down to the comments section of the yourtango.com article. I wrote a comment to this post in the comments section talking about the changes I see my sex life coaching make in married couples lives. I also gave a tip for a first step in making sex better.

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