How To Help Overly Critical Behavior In Relationships
I had a sex life coaching session with a client recently who told me about a principle from the branch of psychology called, “positive psychology.” She said that in addition to other reasons, people with jobs that constantly demand attention to the flaws in a system, or whatever, will very often undergo a brain re-patterning. This sharpens their skills to find faults to a razor’s edge. The more critical their eye to imperfection is to their job, like nuclear power plant designers for example, the greater the effect.
Without realizing it, the individual carries their eagle eye toward the negatives in everything. So much so that they cannot see the positives, or ignore them; taking the positives for granted.
Jobs with duties like these are not the only source of this. Fields that find a boon in perfectionism are as well. This overly critical behavior and hyperawareness of flaws is unquestionably important in many arenas. Making sure an aircraft maintenance procedure is flawless one that comes to mind. However, what isn’t developed is the ability to consciously take off the flaw-finding glasses and put on other metaphorical lenses: the glasses for taking in everything that is beautiful about someone.
With this, the opposite happens: strengths are focused on, marveled over, and shortcomings are ignored in the moment or at all times. Love is unconditional, but the growth is not. This is of tremendous importance in our sex lives. Both in how we regard ourselves and our partners, as well as seeing our way toward making our sex lives even better. You come to a place where you see what can be improved, but you also are thrilled with the very best. Now you can show and speak your happiness and pleasure; no longer taking it for granted, no longer leaving adoration and awe unspoken.
My client said the “positive psychologist” sought to change a person’s lenses from negative-sensitive to positive, but I disagree with that solution. The philosophy I picked up in life is: “Do both– when possible, sensible, and ethical.” In this case, have both sets of glasses and once again, consciously at first, know when to take one off and put the other on. Know then how to properly express to someone what you see in either case. Be able to receive in kind. We have to have the hard truths as well as the spectacular ones to become and be as incredible as we can. I’ll leave it to you to decide which things are truths in the present moment, which aren’t, and the important from the those that can wait. My client told her spouse about this effect. It was profound for him! He couldn’t wait to tell his flaw-obsessed mother and sister.